Your Child Is Not Your Enemy

I've noticed something over the years that breaks my heart.

A lot of parent-child relationships seem adversarial.

You can hear it in the way they talk to each other. You can see it in their body language. Every interaction feels like a battle between enemies.

Parents act like it's their job to constantly be on the lookout for misbehavior. Some secret part of them feels victorious when they catch their child doing something wrong. Kids walk around either on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong, or they give up because it seems hopeless.

The parent and child operate as if they are enemies, instead of members of the same loving family.

Sound familiar?

I've been there. At least on the parent side of things. This isn't an article written from a pedestal. It's something I've had to learn the hard way.

So how do we change it? Here are five things that have made a tremendous difference in my own parenting.

Make Sure Your Children Know You Are for Them

Let them know by telling them over and over and consistently showing them.

The culture around them is constantly telling them a different story. Movies, television shows, social media, and even their peers often portray parents as clueless, controlling, unfair, or out of touch. The underlying message is usually the same: your parents don't understand you, and they're mostly just getting in the way of your happiness.

If we're not careful, our children start to absorb that message, and they begin to interpret every rule, correction, consequence, and disagreement through that lens:

Mom won't let me do this because she likes controlling me.

Dad said no because he's trying to ruin my fun.

My parents don't trust me.

My parents don't understand me.

The problem is that once a child starts believing those things, they stop listening. Why would they listen to someone they believe is working against them?

That's why I think it's so important to regularly communicate something very simple:

"I am on your side."

It’s not the same as, "I approve of everything you do," or "you never have consequences," or "you can do whatever you want."

Just: "I'm for you. I am on your team. I'm your biggest cheerleader. The most important job I have on this earth is to raise you well, and I take it very seriously."

Communicate that you want good things for them. You're trying to help, protect, and prepare them.

It grows trust when children know that even when we correct them, even when we say no, and even when we have hard conversations, we are still for them. In fact, it is because we are for them that we correct them, say no, and have hard conversations.

Many years ago, I started explaining certain parenting decisions to my children using the example of when they were toddlers and wanted to run out into the road.

When I stopped them, they didn't understand why. They just thought I was being mean and ruining their fun. They didn't understand the danger of that literal life-and-death situation.

All they knew was that they wanted to do something and I stopped them, so they threw a fit and got mad at me.

I explain this, and then I ask them, "Aren't you glad I didn't let you run out into the street?"

Then I connect it to today. I explain that as an older, more experienced person, I understand dangers that they don't, and that's exactly why it's my job to step in and protect them from those things.

Sometimes our children understand the reason for a rule. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're mature enough to grasp the bigger picture, and sometimes they simply aren't there yet.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't explain things when appropriate. In fact, I think we should explain far more often than many parents do. But there are also times when our children need to trust that we have reasons they don't yet understand.

Trust is what carries those moments, and that's why you need to tell and show them that you are on their team. You love them more than anyone else in this world does and you are for them.

This is incredibly important not only to your relationship with your kids, but to their relationship with God.

You are teaching them how to trust when they don't understand, because they know that the One they are trusting is good, loving, and knows better than they do.

Teach More Than You Punish

I so often see parents (including myself) taking it personally when a child misbehaves, as if it was done on purpose to inconvenience them.

But kids do dumb things! That's not an insult. It's just reality.

There's a reason the phrase "young and dumb" is a phrase!

They're children. They're immature and learning. They lack wisdom and experience.

The things that seem obvious to us often aren't obvious to them.

If a child genuinely doesn't know better, then our first responsibility is to teach them.

Explain what happened, why it was a problem, and what they should do differently next time. Let them ask questions without assuming they're being defiant or argumentative. Help them understand.

Only after they know better can we reasonably hold them accountable for choosing differently.

Too often, parents assume knowledge that simply isn't there and expect way too much from children at various developmental stages. We think, "They should know better."

But why? How? Who taught them?

Sometimes what looks like rebellion is actually ignorance. What looks like defiance is immaturity. Laziness might just be a child who genuinely doesn't understand what is expected of them.

Teaching should almost always come before punishment.

And the teaching is not one-and-done. Kids need repetition and habits. They do not have the same level of "common sense" and "figure it out yourself" that you, as an adult, do.

And yes, this is even true of teenagers. To a lesser degree, but still true.

Never Discipline While Angry

When emotions are high, we're often reacting rather than responding.

We say things we don't mean, assume motives we can't actually know, and we stop listening.

One of the most humbling lessons of parenting is realizing that your child occasionally has a valid point.

Not always. But sometimes.

And if we want our children to listen when new information comes to light, we should model that behavior ourselves. If we want them to be teachable, we need to be teachable too.

Never Call Your Child Bad

Ever.

Particularly not where they can hear you.

This one breaks my heart the most when I hear it.

Children build their identity from the words of the people in authority over them. They are constantly trying to figure out who they are, and they use our words not just as clues, but as gospel truth.

A child is not bad.

A child may make a bad choice, behave poorly, or need correction.

But that's not the same thing, and the distinction matters.

Words matter. YOUR words about YOUR child matter.

You have spiritual authority over them. When you speak about them, you are speaking over them whether you mean to or not.

The stories we tell our children about themselves matter.

It's okay to tell them that you don't like how they spoke to you or how they treated their brother or how they behaved in the grocery store.

Focus on the behavior. Focus on what they did. Not on who they are.

If you get your child to believe that they are bad, you are directly disagreeing with what God says about them. And there are about a thousand reasons why you don't want to do that.

Catch Them Doing Things Right

Ask yourself a simple question:

When does my child get the most attention from me?

Is it when they're helpful? Kind? Responsible? Hardworking?

Or do they get very little attention until they need correction?

Children figure out very quickly that negative attention is better than no attention at all. They crave attention and have an innate need for it. If getting in trouble is what it takes to get you to engage with them, they will do it all day long.

One of the best things we can do to stop this cycle and improve the relationship is to catch them doing things right.

Notice their good choices and comment on them. Smile at them and let them know you love when they do that.

Tell other people about it while your child is listening.

Celebrate their growth and highlight the good parts of their character.

Children often become what is consistently expected of them.

A few years ago, one of my sons was bullied. Because of his temperament, he did not respond to this by cowering or hiding. He subconsciously decided he never wanted to feel like that again, so he became the bully.

It was heartbreaking. I tried correcting him and reminding him that he was doing the very thing that made him feel so badly, but nothing seemed to work.

Then I heard a needed reminder about speaking over my children the things I want, instead of the things I don't want.

I began waking him up every morning by saying, "Good morning, my sweet, kind, smart, handsome boy!" My most common term of endearment for him became "my sweet boy." When he was kind, I smiled, focused on him, and let him know I noticed and was pleased.

And the hard part... when he was not kind, if it was at all possible to ignore it, I did. I did not reward the behavior with attention. If I needed to correct it, I kept it quick.

It took a while, and while I can't guarantee that this approach of mine was the thing that brought about the change, I can tell you that the behavior changed.

Now, I consistently have adults pull me aside and let me know that they observed him making sure that the misfit kids were included, encouraging someone who was feeling down, and gently correcting other kids who weren't being kind.

There’s Hope

If you're reading this and realizing that your relationship with one of your children feels adversarial, don't despair.

But don't ignore it either.

As the parent, it's your responsibility to go first.

Pray. Take some quiet time with the Lord and ask Him to show you what's really happening beneath the surface. I know this is a hard question, but ask Him if you’re holding resentment toward your child for some reason.

Ask Him to heal wounds, reveal blind spots, bring forgiveness where it's needed, and help you rewrite this important relationship.

Your child is not your enemy. They're your beloved child. Act like you're on the same team.

One of the most important conversations I've had with my children over the years is what I call the "We're on the Same Team" talk. It's a conversation I've revisited over and over, at different ages and stages, and it has helped us build trust even when we disagree.

In the meantime, here’s a prayer you can use if you’d like a little guidance:

Lord, I don’t want there to be division in my family. I want there to be love and trust between myself and [child]. Right now we are working against each other, but I know it’s Your will that we work together. I thank you for revealing this rift and ask you to heal it and bring things right.

Please turn this relationship around so that love and trust guide our every interaction. You are the God of the impossible, and I know you can do anything in accordance with Your will. Please reveal the root of this issue to me. Heal and straighten any crooked way in me that set this precedent. Operate through my weakness to help me respond to [child] in a supernatural way so we can write new patterns, even when I am tempted to fall back into old ones.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love, mercy, and grace. Please let love, forgiveness, understanding, mercy, and trust be the guiding light from now on in my relationship with [child]. I pray all these things in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.